To Review or not To Review? That is the Question.

To Review, or Not to Review? That is the Question.

Pamela Hubbard knew this was going to be very, very difficult.

Being editor of The Ear, New Zealand’s premier weekly magazine for the disdainful, the superior and the pretentious, was not easy when you have a book reviewer named Agustus Peregrine Montagu-Stuart-Wortley-Mackenzie.

His name was a novel in itself.

Fabulously Flamboyant

Pamela was a pinch-faced spinster married to her magazine. Augustus Peregrine Montagu-Stuart-Wortley-Mackenzie was a fabulously flamboyant gay who relished the power his elevated position in the Wellington literati gave over the unfortunate victims whose books he reviewed.

Pamela had to ask Augustus to review a self-published book. In essence, to tell Augustus to swallow his pomposity and what passed for pride to review a book called What Anilida Saw in the Garden but was Afraid to Tell by the first time, older author.

“Ahem, Augie, have you got a minute precious?” As editor of The Ear, Pamela was used to making hard editorial decisions, but instructing Augustus to do anything, let alone review a self-published book, was a career breaking or making decision.

For Augustus Peregrine, Montagu-Stuart-Wortley-Mackenzie NEVER reviewed self-published books.

Wannabe Losers

To him, self-published authors were has been losers, or wannabe amateurs incapable of stringing three words together, let alone 90,000.

“What, Pam? Can’t you see I’m busy?” Augustus put aside reading a copy of Gay Times given to him by his “friend,” the deputy prime minister. 

“Um, I’m sorry to tell you this, Augie, but I want you to review this self-published book.” Pamela handed Augustus the book, which he held nestled against a silk pocket-handkerchief to avoid contamination.

Outrage

“And what is the meaning of this outrage Pamela? You know I NEVER, EVER, NEVER review self-published books. Take it away.”

“No.”

“What did you say?”

“I said no. You have to review this book, or there’ll be trouble.”

“I refuse.”

“Very well, that’s your decision, Augie. I can’t make you review a self-published book. Pack your bags and leave within the hour.”

“You can’t fire me. I’ll tell the deputy prime minister. It’s you who will get fired, missy.”

“By all means, but please leave.” Pamela had steeled herself for the confrontation with half a bottle of vodka and a Mars bar. Her blood sugar and bravery levels were in the stratosphere. She had wanted to fire Augustus for months but could not decide on an excuse.

Then she found one: make him an offer he would definitely refuse–review a self-published book.

Augustus flounced out of the office twenty minutes later. Pamela watched him go, then tapped on her office window to beckon a new journalist who wanted to be a book reviewer into the inner sanctum.

“Lindsay,” she said, as soon as the shy young man had sat down, “how would you like to be our new book reviewer?”

“That would be indeed salubrious and complementary to my fabulous skill set, Ms Hubbard. Please accept my sincere gratitude for your magnificence.” Lindsay was prone to hyperbole. Pamela knew he would make an excellent reviewer.

“How do you feel about reviewing self-published books?”

Pleasurable Literature

“I am cognizant of the reader’s right to indulge the pleasures of all forms of literature, so you have my agreement on this particular subject matter.”

“Are you sure?”

“Certainly,  because my auntie Shirley once laboured over a book on how to cook standup pie that would knock your socks off. She got rejected, funnily enough, by every publisher in New Zealand. So she got a printer in her town to publish it. She went all around the North Island, selling it door to door. There was no Amazon in those days. You know what, Ms Hubbard, that book changed the lives of men, women and children of the nation. Standup pie replaced the Sunday roast in many households. So, yes, I believe self-published books should receive the recognition they deserve.”

About a Worm

“That’s great, Lindsay. Here’s the first book.” She hands What Anilida Saw in the Garden but was Afraid to Tell to Lindsay. “It’s about a garden worm, as the name Anilida suggests.

Lindsay gingerly took the thin book and flicked through it. He was not overjoyed at receiving it as his first review. But, remembering his Aunt Shirley, he took it away and read it in three hours that night.

His review was short and in his inimitable style: “Never in the history of human gardening has lumbricus terrestris (worm) been so meticulously immortalised.”

AS a result of his review,  What Anilida Saw in the Garden but was Afraid to Tell sold 20,000 copies and was the first self-published book shortlisted for the Ockham New Zealand Book Awards.

Moral of the story: Never judge a book by its self-publisher and beware of pretentious book reviewers.